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Эпизод, где Моника поёт
The One Where Monica Sings
Сезон: 09Серия: 13
Описание
Фиби уговаривает Монику спеть в пианино-баре Майка. Публика в восторге от нее, но, возможно, это потому, что из-за света прожектора видно, что под прозрачной блузкой у нее нет бюстгальтера. Тем временем рассерженный Росс думает, что Рейчел пытается завести новые отношения, не сказав ему ни слова, поэтому он пытается найти себе девушку, в итоге приводя домой женщину, которая только что рассталась со своим парнем. Рейчел приходит, желая поговорить с Россом, и после большой ссоры забирает Эмму и возвращается жить к Джои. Специальные гости: Пол Радд в роли Майка и Дермот Малруни в роли Гэвина Примечание: Продолжительность этой серии составляет 30 минут вместо обычных 22-23 минут.
Субтитры
- 00:00:03,796 --> 00:00:06,007 - Hey. - Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sure.
- 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,093 Look, can we talk about what happened here last night?
- 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:13,055 Sure. Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you.
- 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:19,061 You believe that whoever did something last night did what they did or didn't do?
- 00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:22,356 Okay, you really don't know what I'm talking about?
- 00:00:22,565 --> 00:00:25,026 - No. - Okay. Last night, after the party...
- 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:28,779 ...I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
- 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,406 Our balcony? Seriously?
- 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:33,951 That's so funny. I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony...
- 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:37,788 ...and she said, "No, no. It's too cold. Nobody will go out there." And I said:
- 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,416 "Maybe if we put some lights out there they will."
- 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:46,464 Right, that's what I came over to talk about. I saw Rachel kissing some guy...
- 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:50,384 ...on your balcony, even though there were no lights!
- 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,305 So are you gonna talk to her?
- 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:58,350 Why? Why should I? I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine.
- 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:02,146 You know when "that's fine" sounds true? When someone yells it and spits.
- 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:07,610 No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants to date people, fine. I don't care.
- 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,945 But at least she could have told me.
- 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:13,616 You know, I've been putting my life on hold and concentrating on Emma.
- 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:19,455 But if she wants to go out there kissing guys she barely knows, then so will I.
- 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:24,752 Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha, ha.
- 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,130 No, no. Good, so you're moving on.
- 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,800 Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
- 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,885 I've got plenty of opportunities.
- 00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:37,556 Just now, there was some woman at the coffeehouse smiled at me.
- 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:43,270 And then the other day on the subway, a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
- 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:48,275 Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life.
- 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,195 And there's an anthropologist atschooL"
- 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:55,116 ...who totally came on to me during the interdepartmental potluck dinner.
- 00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:57,952 Why did I get married?
- 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,047 Hey, let me ask you guys something.
- 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,008 I'm having new headshots taken tomorrow.
- 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:57,511 The photographer said she thinks I should have my eyebrows waxed.
- 00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,972 Is that weird for a guy?
- 00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,349 - Well, it depends. - On?
- 00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,394 On how far along he is in the sex-change process.
- 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:11,025 No, I totally disagree. I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that.
- 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:12,776 Especially an actor.
- 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,863 I mean, not that you need to. Your eyebrows are...
- 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,870 Stop it, you guys. Stop staring, you're freaking me out.
- 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372 Your knuckles are kind of hairy too.
- 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,876 Oh, man, now I have to get those done too?
- 00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:33,130 - Wow, talk about high maintenance. - You dye your hair.
- 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:36,550 - I'm a woman. - Double standards!
- 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:40,804 Before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
- 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:44,850 - Only if I don't have to get up and sing. - But everybody sings. It's so fun.
- 00:03:45,017 --> 00:03:49,188 Last time, this adorable old man got up there, forgot all the words, flipped out...
- 00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:53,734 ...and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny.
- 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,404 Look, I'm not good at singing.
- 00:03:57,613 --> 00:04:01,742 Oh, what's the matter? You scared? You afraid I'm a better singer?
- 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,119 You afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
- 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,875 Nope. Nope. It's not working on me.
- 00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:13,087 Wow, I must be growing up.
- 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:19,134 Okay, fine. Just please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
- 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:23,472 So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit there and pass judgment on others?
- 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,933 - While drinking. - I'm there.
- 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,938 Hi, you guys. Listen, I really need your help.
- 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:33,607 I think I did something really stupid.
- 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:37,444 Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something so beautiful out of it.
- 00:04:40,072 --> 00:04:42,866 No, not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
- 00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,159 - My God. - You kissed him?
- 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,912 Yeah, it was after the party, we were on the balcony--
- 00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:50,457 Wait, wait, wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I miss that?
- 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:54,795 Well, it was the end of the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper.
- 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,214 Oh, yeah.
- 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:01,802 So how did you end up kissing?
- 00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,346 We were all alone and he was being really nice...
- 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:07,725 -...and he gave me this scarf. - I thought you hated him.
- 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,644 Well, there is a thin line between love and hate...
- 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:15,399 ...and it turns out that line is a scarf.
- 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,820 Are you thinking of starting something up with this guy?
- 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,032 I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy.
- 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,744 I have the baby, and I have Ross. I don't know what to do.
- 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:30,164 And I have to be at the office and see Gavin in 10 minutes.
- 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,917 Sounds like you need to think about what you want and talk to Gavin.
- 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:38,047 - And you definitely should talk to Ross. - Or...
- 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,800 ...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all.
- 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,804 Wow! Five months maternity leave, you're back for four days...
- 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:50,267 ...kiss a co-worker and call in sick. They are lucky to have you.
- 00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,318 - Hi. - Hi.
- 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:04,281 - I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. - Name?
- 00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,241 Chandler Bing.
- 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,162 Okay, very good.
- 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:13,540 Have a seat right here, Mr. Bing, and Sonya will be right with you.
- 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,793 - Okay. Thanks. - Mm-hm.
- 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:43,362 Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- 00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,327 Uh-oh.
- 00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:04,133 I touched the stuff.
- 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:07,219 I'll take care of it.
- 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,766 Thanks.
- 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,019 So do you...? Do you get a lot of guys in here?
- 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:18,981 - Oh, absolutely. - Oh, good.
- 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:22,818 - You looking to meet somebody? - All right, let's just do this.
- 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,655 Okay, we'll get to the wax in a minute.
- 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,575 First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay?
- 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:33,704 - Now, this may sting just a little bit. - I have an extremely high threshold--
- 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,958 Holy Mother of God! Oh, my face! My face!
- 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,300 I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm all right.
- 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,845 It's just a bit of shock, that's all.
- 00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:54,475 - But I'll be fine. You can go again. - Okay.
- 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,646 Sorry.
- 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,446 Damn it, woman!
- 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,324 QW, ow! Oh!
- 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,620 Okay.
- 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,584 _H6Y- _H6Y-
- 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:24,171 It's the most eligible man in New York. How's the moving on going?
- 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,885 Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand...
- 00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:34,014 ...but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.
- 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:39,394 Maybe you're going about this the wrong way. I mean, think about it:
- 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:44,024 Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children.
- 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,904 The personal ad writes itself.
- 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,867 You know, that's funny. Yeah. So do you think you'll ever work again?
- 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:58,664 What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out.
- 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,919 I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me.
- 00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,712 Maybe she didn't move on.
- 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,508 Maybe that kiss was just an impulsive, one-time birthday thing.
- 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:12,678 No, a month ago, she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
- 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,972 - Did she go out with him? - No. When he called...
- 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,640 ...I threw the message away.
- 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,477 Ah, the highroad.
- 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:25,691 All right, you know what? Enough. Enough talking. I have to get moving.
- 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:30,946 Hey, check out those two blonds over there. Hey, come with me.
- 00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:33,782 Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
- 00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:37,869 You don't have to do anything. It'll just be easier if it's two of us.
- 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,374 Like college, remember? First, you break the ice with some kind of a joke...
- 00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:46,628 ...so they know you're the funny one. I swoop in with interesting conversation...
- 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:51,049 ...so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding sexy one.
- 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,471 I thought I got to make the jokes.
- 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,435 - Don't you have to be at work? - Oh, come on.
- 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:09,109 Hello. Hi, my name's Chandler. This is my friend Ross right here.
- 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,861 We were wondering...
- 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:15,032 ...if you're up for it, we only need six more people for a human pyramid.
- 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,910 Swoop. Swoop.
- 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:22,789 Uh... So, um...
- 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:26,752 Hey, I notice you're reading the paper.
- 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:29,254 Another flood in Europe, huh?
- 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,717 Um, here's a question:
- 00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:40,140 Would you rather drown or be burned alive?
- 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:45,896 - I'm sorry, we're just leaving. - Okay.
- 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:50,734 We still got it.
- 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,618 [KNOCKING ON DQOR]
- 00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:03,830 - Who is it? GAVIN: Gavin. I brought you some soup.
- 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,500 - Why? - Uh, I heard your were sick.
- 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:10,545 Oh, right! Hold on, let me just clean up in here a little bit.
- 00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:23,392 Hello, Gavin.
- 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,269 I missed you at work. How you feeling?
- 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:30,190 I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick.
- 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,527 Oh, good. Because I was having a totally paranoid moment...
- 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,904 ...where I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
- 00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:39,032 Oh, no, no, no.
- 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,951 [COUGHS]
- 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,870 So I had fun last night.
- 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,540 So did I.
- 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,461 Exactly how contagious is this thing you have?
- 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:56,883 Is it a cold from standing on the balcony, or did a monkey bite you?
- 00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,303 - It's just a cold. - Do you have a fever?
- 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,764 Let me see.
- 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:08,311 Um...
- 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,188 What? What is it? What's the matter?
- 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,858 What's Ross doing to you in that picture?
- 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:16,778 Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush.
- 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,365 He thought it would be funny.
- 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,784 - Right. Right. - Yeah.
- 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,953 - Ross. - Yeah.
- 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:28,957 What's the deal with you guys? I don't wanna get in the middle of anything.
- 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:32,961 Oh, you're not getting in the middle of anything. Don't worry about Ross.
- 00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:34,171 [KEYS RATTLING]
- 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,757 Hide! That's Ross! Hide!
- 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,634 - Hide! Hide! - Yeah, but you said not to worry--
- 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,596 I lied and I'm not sick either! Just stay behind the curtain!
- 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,770 - Hi. - Oh, Molly. You're not Ross.
- 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,814 No. I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
- 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:54,608 Right. Yes, yes.
- 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:57,652 - Don't panic. RACHEL: What?
- 00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,071 There is a man behind your curtain.
- 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,867 - I have Mace in my purse. - No, that's okay! No, no, no.
- 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:09,080 This is my business associate Gavin being silly. Come out from behind there.
- 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,460 Hi. Gavin. Pleased to meet you.
- 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,880 It was my idea to stand there.
- 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:21,343 - Hello. I'll just go get Emma. RACHEL: Okay.
- 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,261 [RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
- 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,764 So...
- 00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:29,726 -...why did I have to hide? - I thought it was Ross.
- 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:32,687 I thought there was nothing going on between you.
- 00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:34,856 There isn't. There totally isn't.
- 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:39,611 You hear keys in the hall and you jump like a bronco coming out of the chute.
- 00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,074 I used to be a rodeo clown.
- 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:49,663 Um, all right, look, Gavin...
- 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:56,002 ...I guess I felt guilty that you were here...
- 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,171 ...Which I shouldn't.
- 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,925 You know, Ross and I are not in a relationship...
- 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:06,638 ...but he is the father of my child. And, you know...
- 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:10,433 ...we do live together. And plus, there's just so much history, you know?
- 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,519 It's just-- I don't know.
- 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:16,815 - I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place. - It's okay.
- 00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:20,944 It's probably not my place, but can I give you a piece of advice?
- 00:14:21,111 --> 00:14:24,573 - Yes. - You should talk to Ross about all this.
- 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:28,076 People keep saying that.
- 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:32,414 Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
- 00:14:32,581 --> 00:14:34,249 Don't be.
- 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,085 It's just bad timing.
- 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,547 So seriously, rodeo clown?
- 00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:44,092 One of the best, ma'am. One of the best.
- 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,430 [PIANO PLAYING]
- 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:52,017 <i>[SINGING] No time for losers</i>
- 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:57,564 <i>'Cause we are the champions</i>
- 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:01,818 <i>Of the world</i>
- 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:16,207 Oh, she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here.
- 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:18,960 I'm gonna take a little break, and when we come back...
- 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,505 ...we've got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself."
- 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:25,842 I'm not here to judge.
- 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,095 [GIGGLES]
- 00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,515 - You have got to sing. - No, I told you I can't.
- 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:36,186 But you would have so much fun. And you have a really nice voice.
- 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,940 - When have you heard me sing? - All the time, when you're cooking.
- 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,733 - What? - Yeah, you're always singing:
- 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,694 "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy."
- 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,697 Yeah, I do rock that one.
- 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:53,078 Isn't there just a little part of you that wants to get up there?
- 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:57,332 Just a little. But, God, it's so scary.
- 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,501 I don't even know what I would sing.
- 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,379 - Well, I've got a book around-- -"Delta Dawn."
- 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:16,351 Hi. I couldn't help but notice, but that's an unusual necklace.
- 00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,396 You already hit on me an hour ago.
- 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:24,734 Right. So that's a firm no?
- 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,535 I don't believe this. I just keep striking out.
- 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,162 I don't get it either.
- 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,040 I mean, you're obviously desperate.
- 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:43,044 You're asking women how they wanna be killed.
- 00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:46,339 This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys...
- 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:50,385 ...until she finds the one she wants, and I'm gonna die alone.
- 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:53,555 By drowning or...?
- 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,185 - Why would he break up with me? - I don't know, sweetie.
- 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:03,648 All I ever wanted was to just love him and have him love me back.
- 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:07,569 I mean, am I so unlovable?
- 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,864 - Wow. - I know.
- 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,586 All right. That was Kenneth with his...
- 00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:28,548 ...much too literal rendition of "I Touch Myself."
- 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,927 Coming up next, we've got Monica singing "Delta Dawn."
- 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,014 Wait. I can't sing in front of all these people.
- 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,600 Just pretend they're not even here. It's okay.
- 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:43,438 Once that spotlight hits you, it's so bright, you won't see anyone anyway.
- 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:50,737 Hi, I'm Monica. And I'm going to be singing "Delta Dawn."
- 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,368 [PIANO PLAYING]
- 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:06,586 <i>[SINGING] Delta Dawn What's that flower you have on?</i>
- 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:13,468 <i>Could it be a faded rose From days gone by?</i>
- 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:19,390 - Can you totally see through her shirt? - Like an x-ray.
- 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,311 Bad day not to wear a bra.
- 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:30,276 <i>Take me to that mansion in the sky</i>
- 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,573 JOEY: Hey.
- 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,243 I need your help.
- 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,372 Wow, it seems serious.
- 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,126 What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
- 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:50,296 I'm getting new headshots taken. So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.
- 00:18:50,505 --> 00:18:53,424 I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, please.
- 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:58,263 I may be a sissy, but I'll still pound you into the ground.
- 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:02,308 Look, it hurt so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow, and now...
- 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,228 ...they don't match!
- 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:21,661 It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.
- 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,998 You gotta help me out, okay? Look, I have a magic marker.
- 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:28,126 Fill in the skinny one so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
- 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,920 Okay, first of all, this is green.
- 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,174 - What the hell am I supposed to do?! - I will help you out...
- 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:38,970 ...but you have to promise you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.
- 00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:41,764 What? What?
- 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,433 Okay.
- 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,728 You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn...
- 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:51,482 ...or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine...
- 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:57,614 ...by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners."
- 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,284 [LAUGHS]
- 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,037 Oh, my God.
- 00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:07,790 Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor-Victoria.
- 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,044 No, no, no. I do. I do. I need your help.
- 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:14,881 But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking. It hurt so bad.
- 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:19,844 Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle...
- 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:23,556 ...self-loathing touch.
- 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:32,190 <i>[SINGING] Take me to that mansion in the sky</i>
- 00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,905 CROWD: Aww...
- 00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,866 I'm sorry, the song's over.
- 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:47,413 - Did you see me up there? - Every little bit of you.
- 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,252 I can't believe I sang in front of people and they liked me.
- 00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,046 Did you hear that guy shouting, "Look at those tips"?
- 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:59,092 I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
- 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,385 Sure.
- 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:05,682 - Mon, not that you didn't sound good... - Good?
- 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,310 Didn't you hear them? I was great!
- 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:14,148 Thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever.
- 00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:17,110 Also a good gift: underwear.
- 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:23,491 Thank you so much for letting me do this.
- 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,787 Public bathrooms freak me out. I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
- 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:31,833 But what's great is, you don't mind talking about it.
- 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:36,629 It is so amazing that I met you on the same day that Eric broke up with me...
- 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:40,675 ...because it's like, you lose a boyfriend, and you get a boyfriend.
- 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,552 Uh-huh.
- 00:21:43,011 --> 00:21:47,974 No, don't worry. This is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
- 00:21:48,433 --> 00:21:50,101 Phew.
- 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,692 Good choice, Ross.
- 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:01,654 Oh, hey. Hi. There you are.
- 00:22:01,863 --> 00:22:05,450 - I've been looking for you everywhere. - Hello. Well, here I am.
- 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,619 My mom is not bringing the baby back until 9:00.
- 00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:12,040 So I was hoping you and I could have a chance to kind of--
- 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,499 [TOILET FLUSHES]
- 00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,588 - Somebody here? - Oh, yeah. That's Michelle.
- 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:21,924 - Who? - Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
- 00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:26,804 - You've been seeing someone? - Yeah, didn't I mention that?
- 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:29,891 I mean, we haven't been going out too long...
- 00:22:30,058 --> 00:22:33,936 ...but there's this amazing connection between us.
- 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:37,899 I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend.
- 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:42,111 I thought it was a little too soon, but also, it felt kind of nice.
- 00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:48,076 What are you taking amoxicillin for?
- 00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:56,501 How great is this? You're already comfortable enough...
- 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,379 ...to look through my stuff.
- 00:22:59,545 --> 00:23:02,006 I'm sorry, Michelle, this is my roommate, Rachel.
- 00:23:02,215 --> 00:23:04,300 And I'm also Emma's mother.
- 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:08,554 - Who's Emma? - I told you about my daughter.
- 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,182 This is your daughter?
- 00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,685 I could be your new mommy.
- 00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:26,781 And done.
- 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:29,617 Oh, my God.
- 00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:32,870 I didn't feel a thing. Hey, are you still looking for a job?
- 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:36,624 Because you could tweeze circles around that sadistic bitch at the salon.
- 00:23:38,042 --> 00:23:41,254 - Thanks. Wanna see what it looks like? - Yeah.
- 00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:42,713 Hey!
- 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,175 They totally match. They look great.
- 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,512 They look great. How you doing?
- 00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:53,975 Yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was...
- 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:56,894 ...uncovering a birthmark right about there...
- 00:23:57,061 --> 00:24:00,148 ...but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
- 00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:02,900 - Chandler, thank you so much. - No problem.
- 00:24:03,067 --> 00:24:06,529 Listen, that was a pretty girlie hour we just spent.
- 00:24:06,696 --> 00:24:09,157 We should do something manly to make up for it.
- 00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:11,534 Yeah.
- 00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:17,165 - Curl my eyelashes. - Yeah!
- 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:25,214 For my next song, I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat, all right?
- 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:29,385 Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
- 00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:31,888 And make it bouncy.
- 00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:35,016 Well, you can probably take care of that on your end.
- 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,937 I'm sorry I'm late. You'll understand when you see Joey.
- 00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:43,691 Honey, you're just in time. I'm about to sing another song.
- 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:46,611 - Really? In front of all these people? - And they love me.
- 00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:51,032 - Oh, my God. - She gives the people what they want.
- 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,743 All right, watch.
- 00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,496 [PIANO PLAYING]
- 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:02,710 <i>[SINGING] Tonight, tonight we're gonna Make it happen</i>
- 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:07,089 <i>Tonight we'll put all other things aside</i>
- 00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:10,593 <i>Get in this time And show me some affection</i>
- 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,888 Are those my wife's nipples?
- 00:25:14,222 --> 00:25:18,184 Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before. I wouldn't have let her go up again.
- 00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:19,644 I've got to stop this.
- 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,313 <i>Wrap myself around you--</i>
- 00:25:22,522 --> 00:25:25,233 [CROWD BOOING]
- 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,361 CROWD: Yeah!
- 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,119 Oh, who cares? They still love me.
- 00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:44,085 You, touching yourself! Out!
- 00:25:46,504 --> 00:25:48,422 [TOILET FLUSHES]
- 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,968 Wow! She does that a lot.
- 00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:56,973 Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor.
- 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,309 Wait a minute. You haven't even told her you are a doctor yet?
- 00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:02,436 How long have you known her, like an hour?
- 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:05,773 Actually, about an hour and a half.
- 00:26:05,940 --> 00:26:10,528 I told you it wasn't long, but there's an amazing connection between us.
- 00:26:10,695 --> 00:26:13,030 You feel that too? Oh!
- 00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:17,910 - I thought that that was just me. - Are you kidding?
- 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:22,039 - Do you wanna go away this weekend? - We'll see.
- 00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,625 Ross, what's going on here?
- 00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:27,753 Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
- 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,464 I don't know. Are we just kissing guys on balconies?
- 00:26:31,007 --> 00:26:34,635 - How do you know about that? - Through the magic of sight.
- 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:42,018 - I was here, putting our child to sleep-- - Emma.
- 00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,189 When I looked through the window and saw you kissing a guy...
- 00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:49,358 ...you've known for what, a week?
- 00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:53,362 God, is that what this is all about? You bring her up here to get back at me?
- 00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:57,074 No, actually, see, I had to pee because I can't use public bathrooms...
- 00:26:57,241 --> 00:27:01,579 -...because of the doody parasites. - Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.
- 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:04,498 - Well, call me. - Okay.
- 00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,459 Wait, you don't have my phone number.
- 00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:09,837 You know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.
- 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,674 Bye-bye.
- 00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,344 Score.
- 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:19,221 Did you not like her? Because I was hoping we could come...
- 00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,432 ...to your kissing parties on the balcony.
- 00:27:21,641 --> 00:27:25,186 I can't believe you are making a big deal about this. It was one kiss!
- 00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:27,980 - One guy. One time! - Oh, really?
- 00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:30,816 - Yeah. - Oh, really?
- 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:34,362 Oh, yeah.
- 00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:37,323 - What about the guy from the bar? - Who?
- 00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:40,660 The guy you gave your number to.
- 00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:45,122 - How do you know about that? - Because he called here looking for you.
- 00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:49,418 So don't tell me kissing this guy from work is a one-time thing.
- 00:27:49,627 --> 00:27:52,922 Because you've been out there in bars and on balconies...
- 00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:57,259 ...for over a month now. And you don't even have the courtesy to tell me.
- 00:27:58,135 --> 00:28:00,971 - Why didn't I get that message? - What?
- 00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:04,934 From the guy in the bar? Why didn't I get that message?
- 00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,312 Because I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket.
- 00:28:08,479 --> 00:28:11,649 Do you--? Do you not look there?
- 00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,152 Ross.
- 00:28:17,863 --> 00:28:20,366 I never gave it to you.
- 00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:22,243 Why?
- 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:26,622 - I don't know. - Oh, God, you know what? I don't...
- 00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,542 Who do you think you are? Who are you to decide...
- 00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:32,628 ...what messages I should or should not get?!
- 00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:35,756 Who am I? I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby...
- 00:28:35,923 --> 00:28:39,218 -...while you're at bars meeting guys! - I cannot believe you.
- 00:28:39,385 --> 00:28:43,597 I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation about us.
- 00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:46,350 But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages...
- 00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:49,353 ...and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
- 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:53,858 Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me!
- 00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:59,572 That's not the point, okay? The point is...
- 00:28:59,739 --> 00:29:03,784 ...you are the one who moved on and didn't tell anyone.
- 00:29:03,993 --> 00:29:08,122 Oh, God, Ross, this is just so messed up.
- 00:29:08,289 --> 00:29:12,418 What is wrong with us? When people hear about our situation, they ask:
- 00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:15,629 "You live together, but you're not a couple, yet you have a baby?
- 00:29:15,796 --> 00:29:19,967 Isn't that weird?" And I say, "No. It's not, because it works for us."
- 00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,094 But you know what? This doesn't work.
- 00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:26,390 - In fact, this is the opposite of working. - Clearly.
- 00:29:28,142 --> 00:29:29,852 And you know...
- 00:29:30,019 --> 00:29:33,731 ...we said that we would live together as long as this makes sense...
- 00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:38,277 ...and maybe this just doesn't make sense anymore.
- 00:29:39,862 --> 00:29:42,323 Yeah, maybe not.
- 00:29:43,574 --> 00:29:46,035 So, what do you wanna do?
- 00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:47,536 [KNOCKING ON DQOR]
- 00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:52,041 - Hey. - Hi.
- 00:29:52,208 --> 00:29:55,669 Can Emma and I live here for a while?
- 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,255 God. Uh...
- 00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:02,843 - Of course. - Thank you.
- 00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:09,850 Your eyebrows look weird.
- 00:30:17,274 --> 00:30:21,362 <i>[SINGING] Jeremiah was a bullfrog</i>
- 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:25,032 <i>Was a good friend of mine</i>
- 00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:28,452 <i>Never understood a single word he said</i>
- 00:30:28,661 --> 00:30:32,456 <i>But I helped him drink his wine</i>
- 00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:38,379 So you'll just touch yourself for anything, then?
- 00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:48,556 [English - US - SDH]
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